It's just been one of those weeks. I've had so much going on this week, sick animals, sick me, and then we get a nasty cold front in on top of it all. Not exactly how I wanted the New Year to start but since I'm ever the optimist I decided that calling the phone company up and totally ripping them a new one would make me feel so much better. Why would I be calling the phone company you ask? Because my phone also went out along with my internet and since I'm trapped out in the middle of nowhere with no TV (totally Netflix dependent), internet or phone and a sick cat who the vet has taken home with her to try and help I was not in a very good mood to be told that I would have to wait until Monday to have my service restored.
I mean it doesn't really matter that I pay these people every other month and that every other payment I accidentally forget to sign the check (Thank you Roseanna Barr and your show Roseanne for that totally awesome tip and so many others) I need my phone. I mean it's possible someone may call me at some point in my life. Heck, I could be the winner of the Publisher's Clearing House and get one of those awesome big checks but they'd have to give it to someone else because my phone isn't working.
So I call them up on my mom's cell phone (yeah I don't own a cell phone, just one more thing I'm blaming on Stephen King) But to use it I have to drive uphill through the snow for 30 minutes just to get a freaking signal. So 45 minutes later (hey it takes longer to drive uphill through the snow) I call them up to give them a piece of my mind and get a robot who's only too happy to tell me what great features and services (that I don't even qualify for since I live out in the middle of nowhere) that I am missing. After trying for over 30 more minutes to get ahold of a live human and not their automated help system that can "help you with most of your problems unless you're Jamie in which case it will never help you" I finally get a live person. But first let's take a minute and go back to that automated system that has such helpful tips such as:
1. Unplugging your modem. Great idea numbnuts, I don't have a freaking dial tone and not one single shred of data can even make it to my modem.
2. Checking all of your connections. Another great idea. I don't have a freaking dial tone even if I plug my phone into my box outside so it's not a stupid phone chord.
3. And my personal favorite: You can go online to view our comprehensive knowledge base of help topics:
Wow! Why didn't I think of this myself? I would love to go online and ask their knowledge base such a nonspecific question as: "Why the hell isn't my phone working!" Oh but I can't get online because I have no internet because I have no phone so I can't use their magical knowledge base either.
So I FINALLY get the we're experiencing heavy call loads (aren't they always) notice and it tells me once again it would be much faster if I go online to view their magical database of knowledge even though I just hit whichever key corresponds with the option of me not having phone or dsl service and then I get to listen to some snazzy porno music for the next 30 minutes although I did kinda dig the music. I won't lie there. Anyway I FINALLY GET A LIVE PERSON.
I am so going to give them a piece of my mind. They are going to get the Jamie Hammer right in their freaking stupid.....Omg she's got such a hot voice. Those evil bastards!!! So of course they put on the hottest sounding chick in the world in some kind of evil marketing ploy to sell angry customers a bunch of crap that they don't need but hey, at least now I have call waiting, call forwarding, call blocking and a whole bunch of other call crap that I will never use since nobody ever calls me.
So we're talking and I decide to get all smooth and show her a few moves of my own. Two can play this game. So I decide to bust out the big guns and I quote the veritable guru of love. No not Mike Meyers but you guess it Bud Bundy. That smooth talking quintessential Don Juan of the eighties sitcom. So I lay it on her: "Yo babe! I've got my own room in the basement of my parents house."
Wow, I've really stunned her with that one. Way to go J-man, you're the man!
Then for some strange reason my cell phone hung up on me.
I didn't even get her name and I'm pretty sure after those slick lines we would have been married within the week because later on that day my phone service and internet was working again and that can only mean one thing. That's right, my smooth moves saved the day. An extra 95 dollars a month for calling features I'll never use are a small price to pay for impressing a chick. Now I just need to call the phone company nonstop next week until I randomly get my woman back on the line. I don't think it's legally harassment or stalking if you call less than 522 times in a single a day is it?
[Note: This story is unfortunately not completely fictional. Yes my phone went out, yes I was pretty unhappy about it and yes I had to drive to get a stupid signal on the cell phone. There was no snow, hey I live in Texas. I haven't seen snow since 84 but there were a few hills and once I made it to town where I could get a signal and finally made it through their torturous automated system that gave me those lovely tips above they did put a super hot sounding chick on the phone and I totally wussed out and told them Monday would be fine. I may have bought one or two features I didn't need but the great news is that my phone was fixed later that afternoon instead of Monday so I must have totally impressed her unless this was all some evil plot to get me to buy more crap and if so ..... well played!]